When will I feel like I belong?

Imposter Syndrome is not just a LinkedIn buzzword

NOTE: this is a guest post, written by Nikki Simmonds

I left my job over 2.5 years ago, and I have been struggling to find tech-related work ever since. Recently, after a long time, I was finally offered a full-time role in a tech-related field. However, after just 4 days, I felt so overwhelmed it made me physically ill, unable to communicate with anyone and ready to hand my notice in.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

You might have seen the word imposter syndrome being banded about on people’s LinkedIn posts. But in case you haven’t, let me quickly explain.

Being an imposter usually means you are somewhere you shouldn’t be. For example, you lied to a security guard that you are best buds with Taylor Swift and they let you into the fancy friends and family area at Wembley Stadium. You are now an imposter, and eventually, people will probably work that out. Imposter Syndrome is a word used to explain when you believe that you have ended up somewhere you shouldn’t be, and it’s only a matter of time before someone finds out and exposes you. In my case, this feeling started even before I was offered my new job. I felt like this as soon as I received an email inviting me to the interview. I already felt like I had somehow lied or over-embellished my skills. I kept re-reading my application and checking that I had somehow said something I shouldn’t have, or left something up to misinterpretation.

In hindsight, I don’t think I have ever started a job and not suffered from imposter syndrome. Last year when I watched Amber Hinds at FFConf talk about imposter syndrome, I foolishly believed that I would not become a victim to my internal thoughts this time round. I have experienced this feeling in every job I have had since my undergraduate years, I know what it is now, I’m older, and more mature – I can do this!

After all, if you knew me during my studies at Greenwich Uni, I was often raising my hand to ask a question in class and trying my best to ask these questions out in the open on our Slack channel. I was so prolific with my question-asking in class that you might have found me a bit annoying (sorry about that).

But the difference here was that I was comfortable in knowing that I had zero knowledge. I knew that I didn’t know anything let alone everything. It was clear in the application for my university course that I had no coding experience, and our tutors made it clear that some of us came from zero knowledge, and some of us came from lots of knowledge and experience. The boundaries were there, I didn’t have the fear of being in the wrong place, or that I was going to be exposed. I was also excited, I wanted to learn everything and get as much out of the course as possible, and I didn’t care how that might have made me look.

It turns out that being comfortable at uni was not the result of my years of experience of feeling like an imposter, but the result of the environment that the tutors created. It turns out, that having a lot of experience of feeling like an imposter doesn’t help you build up some kind of immunity to the imposter syndrome. In my case, my experience of feeling this way piled up on top of me like bricks, an increasingly heavy weight making me feel crushed and unable to move.

I don’t mean to scare anyone as it might seem a bit extreme that after only 4 days I was ready to give up. My particular case has the added factor that I am neurodivergent, I am diagnosed with ADHD and since this diagnosis and medication to help, it has become clear to me and my friends that I am also autistic. So, if we return to the analogy of the bricks, I feel like an imposter pretty much all of the time, even when I was seemingly confident enough to throw my hand up in class.

So, how did I not throw in the towel? How am I now about to start my second calendar month and fifth week in my new scary job? Well, turns out another one of those annoying LinkedIn phrases “no one is an island” is true.

Before I was offered the interview I had already been talking to my partner about how stressful the job hunting had gotten and we decided that it might be time for me to have a break. I was applying for roles that I was confident that I had the relevant work experience and technical skills but I was hearing nothing in response. Receiving no invites to interview was demoralising. Over the last few months, I finally got a couple of invitations to interview. But even then the feedback was consistently related to my interview performance and this was just wearing me down even more. Every rejection just added to that feeling that I was an imposter. It felt like I was being told that no one wanted to work with me and that my confidence that I could do the job was misplaced.

A different approach

So, in this instance, I knew I had to approach this interview differently. I spoke with a close friend and explained to her my experience and my feedback so far and she encouraged me to disclose my ADHD and ask for “reasonable adjustments” in my interview. Some people might think that asking for help for my disability is cheating, that I had extra help and therefore I was given an advantage over someone better skilled. Quite frankly, if that is you, please, you do not need to share that thought out loud. Because if you haven’t noticed, I already have a self-destructive internal monologue that was telling me not to ask for help at the interview stage. I thought if I asked for help this would add to my self-doubt of my capabilities. However, this time round I felt like I had nothing to lose. I do not think it was a coincidence that the first time I asked for this help was the first time I had been successful in an interview for my first-ever full-time tech role.

Now, this didn’t help me feel less panicked for the interview. This role required experience with writing Python and also using Web APIs to collect data. I had done a couple of Python courses by this point, but I had never used a web API before. I knew in principle that it was a bit similar to the work I had done with creating WordPress themes with PHP, but I still had not done it.

Getting help

So, guess what, I had help. My partner decided to create a hackathon-style task so that I could prepare for the interview. Giving me an idea of a web page I could build, and also some suggestions on where to start looking for the web API data. I worked my way through it, I didn’t finish it, but I was asked about my web API experience in my interview and I told them I did this project to prepare for the interview.

Fast forward to my fourth day in my new job. I was so overwhelmed I was unable to ask for help, I felt like I couldn’t really do anything at all. I couldn’t even leave early even though I knew it was fine to do so. My partner came and got me from work. We went to St James Park, which is around the corner from the office, and I tried to speak but instead, I just cried. I then showed him the pelicans and we sat down on the grass and then, I kid you not (and this really does sound made up but it isn’t), the Prime Minister walked past with a few conspicuous security guards dotted around. Perhaps he was also using the beauty of the park to help him process his new job?

That weekend I had to cancel all of my plans. My friends and family were all very understanding and gave me words of encouragement. My partner gave me time to talk everything through, and come Monday I decided to explain the two things that were a problem to my boss in an email. I took Monday off but asked if we could meet first thing on Tuesday. The first problem was exposing my fear that I was an imposter. I admitted that what he showed me so far seemed way above my technical ability and that I felt that he thought my technical skills were way more than they were. The second problem was that I needed more help because of my ADHD, I needed a plan and clear expectations outlined so that I was able to see if I was making progress or not.

My new boss was amazing. He sat me down, shared some of his own struggles and assured me that it didn’t matter about my technical skills. We drew up a plan of action and he assured me that I could even spend my working day doing courses on the languages we used.

That second week was still not easy, so I reached out on the Greenwich Uni course Alumni Slack channel. I was so amazed at the replies I received, the first message was from someone I had never even met, giving me lots of assurance and tips and the replies just kept coming. After that, I realised that I wanted to go along to State of the Browser the following Saturday. None of the people from my intake at university seemed to be active on Slack anymore and I wanted to have a chat with them too. I’m so glad I went, not only did I get to catch up with a couple of friends from my year I also got to speak with people who had graduated a long time ago, even without talking about my own experience they were sharing their struggles with finding work, and how even after a couple of years in their jobs they still struggle with feeling like an imposter.

I know I am very blessed to have people in my life who help me get by, and I hope that anyone reading this knows that they also have this support in the community that David and Prisca have built up on our course. I know life gets in the way, and it’s natural to want to keep your stress to yourself and your support networks. But, whenever you’re ready, whether you’re still struggling with finding work, want advice on what skills to polish up on, or want help with some code for your mate’s website that won’t work, reach out! Let us know, I would love to hear from you, and if you want we can share war stories of the last couple of years too.

Nikki Simmonds

Started the MA Web Design and Content Planning course (University of Greenwich) in the 21/22 intake but had to pause her studies before completing the final project. She submitted the project in Oct 2023 and has been applying for technology jobs full-time since November 2023. Before getting her current role she had only 4 interviews. She is now working for the House of Commons as a Publishing Technology Specialist.